Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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