I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
