I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
