ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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