my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
