I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
no you cant smoke seaweed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
