she woke up with a sticky ear
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
