I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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