I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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