and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
