I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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