i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize