The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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