That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
