It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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