i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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