i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize