Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
