they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
