You work out of a Hotel?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
