Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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