I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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