I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry my hands just texted you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
