I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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