I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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