What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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