I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
