Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
