sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
