She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
