He felt like a one man threesome
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
should my penis look like a turkey
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
