Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
