the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
