i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
