Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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