I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize