It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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