By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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