i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
