is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
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