Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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