we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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