I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
