I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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