Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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