If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
