The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
