her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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