So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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