Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my sisters under your porch take her home
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
