So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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