This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
