I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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