I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
