Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
