Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
