i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
