I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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