Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
