You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I faked an abortion last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
