in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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