Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
