Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
