He kissed a someone with a penis
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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